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I had a lot of shame -- deep, deep shame -- around wanting to give blow jobs, swallow semen, or get fucked. Before AIDS, allabout my mother I would sometimes have a dry period for a long time, and then I would have anonymous sex with multiple partners in the course of a week. Invariably after those experiences, I would develop symptoms, and I would go for a test for sexually transmitted allabout my mother disease. The cultures and blood tests were always negative. That happened repeatedly for many, many years. My fear of sexually transmitted diseases is something allabout my mother it may take a lifetime to get rid of. Part of me felt it was wonderful to have sex with as many men as possible, to pleasure other men and have my needs taken care of as well. A lot of the settings for anonymous sex were outdoors. Part of me felt, "It's beautiful, it's dark, the moon is out. There's a lovely breeze. There's an energy." Then on the other hand, "There are rats around here. Why do we have to do this in the dark?
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